Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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