After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wear drunk well.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
