Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
