3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
