watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
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who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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