i think i scared a bird with my dick
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
