true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
