Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
