Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
