dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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