How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
