My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
