i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
