Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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