how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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