i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
