The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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