Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
