Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize