Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
