Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
