I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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