After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
