I think I died a long time ago.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
