I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
