I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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