When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
