Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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