Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
