i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
