I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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