if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
