I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
