I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
