R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I want her autograph on my taint
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Randomize
