ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Randomize
