Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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