Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
