So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
