You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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