My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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