We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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