There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
