saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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