went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
