Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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