Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
