My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
