This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
