never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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