I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
