The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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