I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize