I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
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We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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