I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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