Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
